This is a hard thing to do, ranking Simpsons episodes. Sure, it hasn't been brilliant for a long time, but it had an amazing run of incredible, never-grow-old, always-funny episodes. Years worth. And while some just have some of the best bits EVER, others are just a cohesive blend of perfect timing and perfect writing. Picking just 10 or 20 for a list of the best Simpsons episodes ever is impossible. So I picked my favorites, the ones I couldn't in good conscience cull out. I ended up with 85. Putting them in order was difficult, and I guarantee I will move some up and other down, but overall, these 85 eps are television comedy gold. Warning: Fox may have any or all of these clips removed from YouTube at any time.
The Best Simpsons Epi-ma-sodes,
A Fish Called Selma
I wanted to put this one at #1, but couldn't deny the awesome of Rosebud. Still, the Planet of the Apes musical still makes me laugh myself to death.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs) So to answer your question: I don't know.
Parker: Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?
Troy: Uh, the movie or the planet?
Parker: The brand-new multimillion dollar musical. And you are starring… as the human.
Troy: It's the part I was born to play, baby!
Cape Feare
Although I was never a huge fan of Sideshow Bob, I appreciate a lot of the kinds of humor he could bring.
But this episode makes this list on two brilliant things all by itself.
One)
The Rake Gag
Two)
[Home is in an office with two FBI men letting him know about going to the federal witness protection program]
FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake.Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [pause]
FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha!
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you.
Homer the Smithers
Another brilliant Swartzelder ep. Mr. Burns could be one of my top 5 favorite characters, and this ep is full of everything that makes him so great.
Homer: Here are your messages: You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube.
(Phone Rings)
Homer: Hello, Mr. Burns' office.
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?
Bart: What did you get that for?
Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a 3rd story window.
Bart: Makes sense to me.
Lisa: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a doctor?
Homie the Clown
The visual gag of homer obsessed with Clown College and seeing everything around him as bobbing clowns is one that has stayed with me forever and ever.
"Aw, being a clown sucks! You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business! "
Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty the Clown: But I thought the Generals were due.
[watches the game on TV]
Krusty the Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. That game is fixed!
King-Size Homer
Like so many of these great, great episodes, you have to see them in action to appreicate the nuance of the timing and the character animation. Watching Homer walk as a fat man is honestly brilliant. The scene where he's sitting on his couch in his mummu waving his "reaching broom" at the kids who are staring at him through the window is pure awesome.
Woman on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
Last Exit to Springfield
Lisa Needs Braces - DENTAL PLAN
So much awesomeness. This is possibly a perfect episode in terms of structure. But down to the details, every single one is gold. The Grinch parody with Mr. Burns, Lisa's protest guitarin', the Smartline bits, the dentists office...
This ep was also the source of Grandpa's awesome Union buster speech to mr Burns:
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
Boy: You can't treat the working man this way. One day we'll form a union and get the fair and equittable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
(Years Later)
Mr. Burns: If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
Lisa: Do you really think you can get our dental plan back, dad?
Homer: Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...
Bart: Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.
Homer: Done and done!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph.
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
Marge vs. the Monorail
Marge: I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.
Homer: Well, you should have written a song like that guy.
This is possibly one of the best epsiodes that Conan O'Brien wrote for the Simpsons. The song alone is worth its #9 slot. Not to mention the Town Hall conversations surrounding the song. Pure brilliance. Decisions by Committee at their finest!
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman.
Selma's Choice
First of all. The sandwich. Maybe if not for the sandwich, I wouldn't have put this one so high. But ... sandwich, I could never stay mad at you.
Homer (to sandwich): Another foot and it'll fit in the fridge!
Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: (short silence) ...Yes.
Also. Duff Gardens. Nuff said.
You Only Move Twice
Albert Brooks is Scorpio. This is easily my favorite of his many Simpsons roles. So. So. Funny.
I quote almost everything Hank Scoprio said... constantly, and every time I see it, I still laugh.
Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That's right.
Hank Scorpio:What happened?... When did that happen?... How much of it?... Oh my goodness, I'll be right up!
[Hangs up the phone]
Hank Scorpio: Homer, I've gotta go, there's a problem upstairs! Somebody ate part of my lunch!
Rosebud
"Have the Rolling Stones Killed."
It's almost impossible to pick the best Simpsons Episode, but this one is easily in the top 5, and I put it at the top because that's just the kind of day it is. Of course, this is a Swartzwelder ep, probably all these in the top 10 or even 20 are.
Smithers: I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot.
(Audience gasps)
Smithers: And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
Homer: Are you ready to laugh?