There are as many great Simpsons gags as there are cats for the Crazy Cat Lady to throw at you. And so I turn to the internet (I think she's talking to you) for your greatest of all time. I am starting the list with these... and, really, I almost can't rank them... its like picking which of your children you love more. Vote, rank... and please, ADD your favorite gags. ( btw, Simpsons clips are taken down from YouTube all the time by Fox ).
The Best Simpsons Gags,
Steamed Hams
Fat Homer
Episode: King Size Homer
[Homer arrives at a movie theater]
Homer Simpson: One for "Honk", please.
Ticket Dealer: Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager.
Ticket Dealer: [to manager, referring to Homer] That overweight guy wants to see the movie.
Manager: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.
Homer Simpson: What are you talking about?
Manager: What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.
Homer Simpson: I can sit in the aisle.
Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
Bystander: Hey, Fatty! I've got a movie for ya: A Fridge Too Far!
[the rapidly-assembling crowd laughs]
Homer Simpson: Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here tosee Honk If You're Horny in peace.
Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
Homer Simpson: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.
Homer's Sugar
Episode: Lisa's Rival
Homer has stolen a load of sugar from a jacknifed truck on the road and he intends to make a fortune selling it, bits of broken glass and all. Marge confronts him to get rid of it since he's been spending all his time guarding the pile.
Homer: You see, Marge? Do you see?
Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
Marge: Look, just get rid of the sugar, OK?
Homer: No! [Marge leaves]
[a swarm of bees lands on Homer and the sugar pile]
Homer: Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! [gets stung] Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.
The Big Sandwich
Episode: Selma's Choice
After noting that Homer seems horribly ill, Marge asks Homer if he's been eating a certain sandwich. Flashback to the company picnic, where a large submarine lays on a table. Carl talks to Homer.
Carl: We hardly made a dent in that ten-foot hoagie.
Homer: I'll give it a good home.
[Homer in front of the TV, eating the sandwich.]
Marge: You've been eating that sandwich for over a week. I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
Homer: Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.
[Marge walking up to Homer with a vaguely blue-green sandwich-looking shape.]
Marge: Homer, I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it away.
Homer: Suggestion noted.
[when Marge leaves, Homer takes a big bite]
[later, after he's been forced to throw it in the trash outside...]
Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: [pause] Yes.
Mr. Thompson
Episode: Cape Feare
The FBI is coaching Homer on his new identity for when he goes into the Witness Relocation Program.
FBI Man #1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly]
FBI Man #1: [pause]
FBI Man #1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha!
FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI Man #1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI Man #1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you.
Belt Onions
Episode: Last Exit To Springfield
The reason I have loved Grandpa Simpson throughout the history of the show can be traced back to exactly this speech.
Grandpa to Mr. Burns as he's being interviewed to be a strike-breaker:
"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
Clown College
Homer: Marge?
Marge Simpson: Yes, Homie?
[starts humming the "Barnum and Bailey Circus" theme]
Homer: [ leaps to his feet ] That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
[leaves]
Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
Underground Sugar Caves
Episode: Deep Space Homer
Homer accidentally released experiment-ants in the Space Shuttle just as the live camera cuts to the interior for an interview.
Kent Brockman: The spacecraft has apparently been taken over "conquered" if you will by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
Is it about my cube?
Episode: Homer the Smithers
Homer Simpson: Okay Mr. Burns Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
Homer Simpson: [Phone Rings] Hello?
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?
The Vending Machines
Episode: Marge on the Lam
Homer gets both his hands trapped inside two vending machines in the plant after work hours. After being trapped for hours, the firemen arrive.
Fireman 1: Homer, this...this is never easy to say. I'm going to have to saw your arms off. (brandishes a buzzsaw)
Homer: (plaintive) They'll grow back, right?
Fireman 1: Oh, er, yeah.
Homer: Whew!
Fireman 2: Wait Homer, are you just holding onto the can?
Homer: Your point being...?
(cut to Homer walking out of the Plant to the sound of the firemen laughing, and then running away)